I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
