I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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