Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
