yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize