you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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