Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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