Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
