You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize