I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
