i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Your penis caused this!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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