i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
