i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
