Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
