I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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