I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
