Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
