He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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