im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
