She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
