i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
