HIV tests are more positive than that guy
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
