this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Too much gin, very little bucket
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
