everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
