Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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