3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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