I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
