We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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