see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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