I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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