i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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