I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
what day is it and did you see me today?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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