I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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