Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
