Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
