would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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