So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
