turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
