take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
