I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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