come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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