My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
