I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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