i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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