I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
