Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
