And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
