I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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