I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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