last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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