Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
