i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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