so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
