I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
