There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
