oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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