Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
