Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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