Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
