Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
